Reflection

Today I feel so content. I feel loved, despite all the bittersweet pills I've swollen, Allah still loves me.

I believe to this saying there’s nothing such a coincidence. Nggak ada satupun hal di dunia ini yang terjadi karena kebetulan. Semua saling bersinggungan yang punya maksud masing-masing. Punya makna masing-masing. Ibarat sebuah kanvas, meskipun goresannya hanya setitik, tetap akan jadi bagian penting sebuah gambar yang menjadikan kamu unik untuk dilihat.

Setelah dipikir-pikir, ada banyak hal dalam hidup gue yang keliatannya impossible. Tapi kalau diusahakan tiba-tiba jadi possible. Ada banyak keinginan dan doa gue yang, entah gimana caranya dikasih jalan sama Tuhan. Seakan dunia tahu kemana hati kecil dan do’a gue membawa. Semuanya, literally semuanya, nggak ada yang kebetulan. 

I still remember how frustrated I was when I first have to pay some money for my departure to Thailand, my prior experience to live abroad. I was so pissed by the fact that my family couldn’t afford that and my funding proposal wasn’t accepted yet. I recall crying in the bus, from Bogor to Serang because of a simple fuckin compact powder I believe I just got from a friend (I guess? I don’t even clearly remember). At first I was crying out of confusion, I really dreamt to be able to explore the world, and that was just my first kick why it had to be that hard? I asked God, do I deserve this? I asked God, can I really go there? Just then I squeezed my pocket. Something was there, oh it was just a stupid compact powder. I bet it screams with me when it heard my hopeless cry. I picked it and read what brand it is. Oh it was pixy. The next second I noticed was, all the ingredients was written in Thai. I read again and it said Made in Thailand. Goddamn. My tears melted down effortlessly. How could He answer that fast? By the fuzzy moment all my hopeless prayer was gone. I believed that was God sign, He assured me “don’t be afraid, I’m here. I’m all ears. I’ll help you to go through”. The moment upcoming my departure, my family somehow figured out some money. I knew they -as they always- pursued the best for me. But I really had no idea how they got the money considering all the hard circumstances they had back then. God blessed me, indeed.

Or we can talk about how I can survive study for the whole 4.5 years. Here is the thing, it was all scholarship magic that God sent me. God examined my parents patience by holding their money, instead God chose to give it legitimately to me. I was applied for Bank Indonesia scholarship back in 2017, after a sudden approach of some BI awardees. They did project collaboration with my organization I joint. After the project done, they pleased to spill some information about the scholarship a-z. I had never notice this one before, I thought probably it wasn’t popular one. Yes it was, cause back then in IPB, the most common scholarship was for the unfortunate ones, rarely I found the academic oriented one. Here, I was enlightened by the awardee I never knew they were existed, like all of them! We made friends and they told me the tips and trick, even the interviewee character and taste. Wow. I was also surprised that BI will only pick 10 awardee each year for my uni. Shit. It must be tough. Then again, they calmed me down sayin, “Hey the chance is very big. Because IPB students are mostly afraid of speaking English. They usually don’t have (and or not brave enough to take) TOEFL in early year. We may pick few, but trust me, the applicants are also not that much. We will open the registration soon, get all your documents”. At that time I already owned my TOEFL prediction, but the grade was just not there yet to pass the requirements. I missed 3 points. I asked them and they said, just try it. So was I. And guess what? Yep, I was rejected lol. They said only shortlisted candidates will be noticed. I hadn’t got any message nor email from them. And looking at the candidates I met at the interview session just finally got in and join the team, I thought I failed. I felt so sick, I committed not to reapply for the next year no matter what, I’ll look for another scholarship. But a month later, I got a message from the leader of GenBI (the community of BI scholarship awardee) that I was accepted and he asked me to come to their regular meeting (it was more like a small talk at coffee shop tbh). I was so freakin happy. How came? Did they add the quota? Later on I found that I was in the 11th place, but one awardee was going to graduate sooner so at the batch there will be one more seat left. Thank God and the kakak GenBI whose smart enough to speed her study year (hello kak chia! Thankyou for graduating sooner so I could live by after :D). I don’t know where the luck form, I bet it was my mom’s long prayer. Not mine of course. 

And now in my pause moment, after a 2 years ride of unknown where to (it’s just basically how to survive and get money as much as I can to feed my family), after a long time walking without goals, ambitions, and dreams, a really important awakening just come up. God again reminds me of my old wishes. And what sent me to recall that? It was a complete stranger man I found on the internet. Hilarious. Sometimes you wouldn’t guess what or who will open the gate for your next chapter. Never. You just need to sense more, understand more. All of time passes, moment rises, people meeting, aren’t only just a mere concept of coincidence. Nothing is meaningless. Nothing really is.

Today I want to celebrate it. To be brave to take the risk. One step after a long pause of dream. I can feel the energy of fighting. And the world welcomes me with very warmth greeting. Welcome back to the battle of yours.