What Am I - Part 1

I never know myself. The only thing I understand about myself is, I am a good follower. What a shame. I am this type who don't have much creativity. I am that kid who's really easy to be influenced. But don't fret it, at least I knew it since I was kid. Maybe I know myself too well so I could fake everyone -me included- so well.

I'm a good copier. I can't draw but I made myself drawings. I literally copied some Disney characters on a magazine in a sheet of paper, making it as identical as possible. Then I sold it to my friends. It was when I was 6 by the way.

I'm so easy to be influenced. In another words, I am that wishy washy kid. I had no principal, neither a clear definition of myself. So I shelter me with my surroundings. I always look for a good surrounding, good in terms of value in family culture and social peers at every stage of life I had. I am so picky for my friend circle. I hate people with sophisticated life and the ones with arrogance, thus because I see my family isn't originally like that and I can't never be that kind of person, so I tend to ignore those people.

Elementary

I'm not a smart kid. Never have I ever think that I am one. I hate math ever since I learn about it. I remember since 1st grade to 4th grade I always had zero for math score at least once a year. I hid it from my mom, cause I knew she had struggle a lot teaching me math every single night. One day at the 4th grade, I was asked in the math class, I couldn't answer. I was so afraid and embarrassed. Then I saw my homework score, it's zero again. For the first time I felt so angry and I had this urge to change. But I didn't know how. What I knew was only I was bad at math, I hated it, and I wasn't smart. I was only a student in 23rd rank at class with no talent. But I want to fix it.

Luckily at the time there was a new student, she was moved from Washington DC USA. She was half Korean and half Indonesian. She was placed in my class. Everyone admired her, so did I. I wondered if I could be friends with her, so I approached her first. I wasn't sure at first of course, I was a shy girl back then. But I saw her wasn't really close to anyone in class either. So yeah. Fortunately, she was a really humble person. I made friends with her. Quite close. And guess what? She was the opposite of me. She was brave, naturally smartass, a very determined girl with a bright persona. So she was my first friend, where I can hid my true self. She was my first surroundings where I looked up to, to fix me. At the time, my wish is just to fix my math score, but I got far more than that.

At the last semester my score got better. That made me chosen to join a competition, writing poems. And because I joint this writing training, I could meet other students who were also sent for school competitions. I called them the smartass. They were all good kids with good attitude and great hobby (which I found boring later), they were people who sent for olympiad thingy. Since then I kinda have  new hobby, reading novels.

From being friend with the smartass, people see me as one tho, obviously. And with that labelling and that crazy ambitious ambiance in the friendship I made, I finally made it. Became the diligent girl, with a good marks, with some school achievement records, became the headmaster favorite. In the end of my elementary school life, I graduated with a not bad predicate, top 5 scored UN at school. 

Well, fake it till you make it seems a nice gateway for a person like me.

Junior High

I continued the fake me saga. Actually I couldn't identify was I truly changed or was I just still faking myself. But I didn't care tho. After having this such good environment, I felt like I was addicted to be a diligent humble girl. It was a good experience and I wanted to keep that.  At least I knew that one. 

Junior high was when I first having a crush with a boy I like. And I took it too seriously I guessed, that ever since I saw this boy on the monday morning ceremony, I couldn't help myself but wanting to see him more and more. He got award by the way, yeah smartass kid here I came lol. So this boy was a physics olympiad winner. Wohoo, I hate physics hahaha. I thought I'd chase him by joining physics olympiad. But hey I got better idea. I found that biology is easier, maybe I could make it.

So the fake Nia chose to pick her fate chasing a boy she had crush on, by joining biology club. And she passed it! She surely became one of that biology olympiad team. Although she needed to face the killer teacher, but at least she got fun whenever she was sent to a competition with this boy cause you know, biology and physics back then was a one-pack science. What about the poem? Did she ever think about joining the poetry competition again? Oh yes, but no her dream was just as simple as being in the same car with Mr F Yodhiatama. So she didn't give a shit about poem competition offer. But still she was already in love in writing poem itself. For that reason she wrote this boy a fuckin poem every single day she met him at olympiad training. Ladies and gentlemen, I warn you, young love is indeed crazy. 

Regardless of the craziness, I gained something. A free-pass ticket to get into the best high school in the town. Yeah, when I said I took it seriously, I really was. I fell in love madly to this boy along with my ambition to catch his attention. So for the sake of attention, I won various biology competition and was sent for national science olympiad in biology category. Not only that I became the best student in town with the highest UN score. But all these things weren't important at all, cause the boy, yes the one who caused my all triumphs, was dating another girl. I won the competitions but I never won his heart. Silly me.